Do you have trouble concentrating? Do you constantly neg yourself out when challenged or want to take a giant leap at something you fear? Do you negatively reinforce bad habits subconsciously not even knowing that you do it? Do you feel crippled by certain social constraints?

I sure know used to, being lead around by that little voice in my head telling me to keep my head down and be pushed around by the world. I finally decided that I had had enough and started to fight it.

After many attempts at stopping my internal dialogue unsuccessfully I turned to books to source my information. These started me on the quest to completely silence my negative internal dialogue, finally taking control of my action and rebelling against societies negative influence.

At the time I was attending ‘building better men’ group talks where a few guys around the local area would meet and chat about topics we wanted to discuss. They ranged from early twenties to late forties and fifties, mostly been around the middle range of the two extremes.

In one of these meeting I brought up the subject of negative internal dialogue and some of the guys had heard about it. One of the older guys, Brent, had not only heard about it but had successfully managed to conquer it. We discussed it for a little while but not at the depths I wanted.

After the meeting I stopped the Brent before he managed to escape my interrogating questions. I asked him to explain a little deeper into what internal dialogue was all about and how to overcome it. This is some of what he described to me and also some of the things I learnt about in my attempts to implement it.

What is Internal Dialogue?

Internal Dialogue is the concept of the thoughts and audible speech in your mind. There is positive dialogue and negative dialogue. They both have strengths and weaknesses that can affect the way we live life.

Society infects our dialogue early in our life and certain things can stick with us throughout our whole lives that cripple us in certain social settings. Some affect us more than others and we generally don’t try and tackle the big problems in our life because they scare us. That’s fair enough. It’s not our fault that certain things interfere with healthy mental growth at young ages, its just bound to happen. Its just life, the hand we have been dealt with, that we have to accept.

That is possibly the best first step you can make. Totally accept that this is the life you have been handed, that all you can do is take it and develop it into the best life you possibly can.

The fight against the Internal Dialogue.

What can you do now? I wrote an article that covers a step by step system that can help quieten your internal dialogue that is located here.

It is a two-part piece that I wrote over a week of contemplation and reflection. I feel like I will write on this more once I have grown in my knowledge and experience more.

Brent told me that the best way to tackle it was to take it in small chunks and progress everyday by putting your self out there. Not to try and get from start to finish in one big chunk. To break it down and take baby steps, it’s all about baby steps.

Find out where your edge is, the edge of your comfort circle. Where you draw the line. Then step over it just a little bit so you’re outside of it. Continue to do this everyday until you find that its inside you comfort zone, then you can rinse and repeat until you get to your final goal.

In all situations ‘letting go’ of the outcome can actually help you in gaining the desired outcome.

In my life there have been times in which letting go has caused great negative impact. But overall I have had some amazing experiences because I can consciously tell myself to let go of what ever happens and enjoy the ride. Some of these amazing outcomes have blown me away as far as where my expectations laid and where I actually ended up.

Here is the basic idea.

Life is full of tiny little moments where you act on your assumptions. As you were growing up your assumptions of the world grew as well. These assumptions lead you into situations where you do not have time to think over your actions.

For example when a bus pulls up at the bus stop you have a few choices.

First you can get on the bus, pay the driver and sit down.

You can not get on the bus and stand where you are completely still.

Or even still you can run from the bus in the opposite direction.

In these examples there are three very different results. They are all guided on assumptions and actions. In the first example the person who got on the bus as it pulls up was probably waiting for the bus because she wanted to go somewhere. The second example could have been someone who was waiting for a friend who had caught a bus but was not on the one that pulled up. Again in this example the person who stayed completely still could have had a phobia of buses and was trying to overcome this fear. They didn’t succeed this time.

In the third example the person who ran away from the bus as it pulled up could have been waiting for the bus after school but as it pulled up saw a his mum driving into the school car park up the road.

The environment and influences around you shaped your life entirely at random. Where you grew up and in what family you were born play a big part in who you are today. It is totally undeniable that you are a product of your surroundings.

In so many situations in our life our subconscious mind is constantly remembering past experiences and acting accordingly to the outcome of those situations.

Take for example an ordinary daily activity such as brushing your teeth. One person in this situation may contribute absolute pain to brushing his teeth because when he was younger the nanny who looked after him was very rough and made his gums bleed every time she brushed.

Now in example 2, we have a very different outcome to brushing teeth. When this lady was younger she brushed everyday, morning and night. Now she is old and her teeth have all but disappeared. She now wears dentures and keeps her teeth in a cleaning gel over night.

Great you say. These examples are good and all but why does letting go have anything to do with dentures?

This is where the principle of letting go comes into its full glory.

Say you are still in school and the big dance is coming up in a very short few months. You don’t have a date yet.

So you’re saying let go of the outcome of getting a date and you will get one?

No.

You would probably end up dateless sitting on the bleachers by yourself.

Not cool.

But in the sentence I structured earlier the way I said it made it seem as though getting a date in a few short months was a hard thing to do and you cant go to the dance by yourself and suffer the unjustly shame of bleacher sitting.

Now you may see where I am coming from. If you let go of the outcome and relax about getting a date you will subconsciously be more relaxed. When the time comes when Rachel, the girl you have a crush on, comes up and starts talking to her friend that you sit next to in science class, you will be ready.

You won’t nervously laugh a little too loud at a joke she shared with her friend and then stutter out “w..w.will y..yo..yyyou go to the d..d..dan..danc…dance..sigh…” she has cut you off, talking to her friend and is trying not to make eye contact with you. Instead you will relaxingly say

“Hey Rachel. I heard you were telling everyone that you were going to the dance with me… You wish”

“What?”

Smiling “Don’t act all innocent I know you want me but you can’t just go around making up rumours about us. Look if you want to go to the dance with me just ask.”

“um…” Rachel looks at her friend.

“Ok. Alright. I know your shy about this. Tell you what you can go with me. But only if you dress up reeeeal nice. None of this school girl uniform look.”

Rachel and her friend giggle as you sit back triumphantly in your uncomfortable science chair.

Good job.

But this can only happen if you are spontaneous. And you can only be at your best if you are relaxed. And you can only be relaxed if you can let go of the outcome.

Hell she might say no.

But if she does then at least you tried and now you know that you are free to ask Stacy who takes gym with you.

Look the outcome doesn’t matter. It’s the way that you look at the situation that really determines if you feel. If you had worried about it and made an ass of yourself like in the first example then you would feel like you had been rejected.

In the second example it doesn’t matter if she says yes or no because if you are relaxed and know that the outcome doesn’t matter then if she says no it is because she just honestly doesn’t want to go with you. It may not be because of you at all. She may already be going with Martin who is on the chess team and that if you think Martin is a dork, Rachel isn’t your type.

There have been times in my life where I have been nervous, uptight and unjustly. I had to learn this lesson the hard way. I had to be shaken, broken and bleed hard enough to step back and take a look at my life. Even once I had taken this on board it took me a long time (one and a half years) to actually be comfortable with just being myself, letting go and enjoying what life has to offer.

The road I took to overcome this objection was to step back, look at my life and where my circle of comfort lay. Once I had determined what I would willing do and was comfortable with I mentally drew a line. Everyday I would consciously step outside my comfort zone, but only on the very edge.

I wasn’t taking big leads at challenges that I thought I could tackle. This would only lead to fatigue and failure and put me back in my comfort zone.

No, what I did was steadily stepped out on the edge every day, pushed my comfort zone out bit by bit until I had reached my goal, took baby steps toward achieving the desired outcome.

An example of this was I was always very nervous when I first met someone. I didn’t know what to say so I just kept quiet. A lot of people interpreted this as I didn’t like them. I didn’t like unknowingly disliking people so I put in place a plan to conquer this challenge.

I knew what the outcome I wanted was. To be relaxed enough with new people to be able to relate to them and be friendly off the bat. I could have just said “I’m going to be super nice to everyone I meet from now on”. But that would have just turned out to make me look weird and being labelled as a try-hard.

What I did was every time I went to the bank, supermarket, or bakery I made sure I would take to the cashier. It wasn’t a big deal and they had to talk back to me and be nice. I used to just give them the money and walk away. No words or maybe a small thank you.

Now the challenge was to make eye contact and get a suitable response out of them. Once I had met this challenge I went on to harder and harder ones. One of them was sitting next to someone on the bus and having a chat. Simple everyday stuff that when it adds up catapults you to your goals.

By no time at all I was able to talk to a stranger on the street as if they were my brother or sister. And now when I met new people in social situations I can relax, let go and relate to them. I feel great when I do it too. It was like all that anxiety and fear that had held me back disappeared and what was left was confidence.

The biggest challenge with letting go is giving up the idea that you have the right to an outcome. You do not have the right to any particular outcome. You may be the world racket ball champion but you do not have the right to win. You have the correct skills necessary to deliver the winning outcome but you are never guaranteed a victory.

Once you give up the right to any particular outcome it doesn’t matter anymore. You enjoy the wins and you equally enjoy the failures. If you do not enjoy them then you are kidding yourself of a vital life lesson.

I once heard this quote “If you make all the mistakes in a given field you become an expert”.

It is not until you have made all possible failures in a given field that you master it. Even then you will be faced with the possibility that you will fail again. But you expect this and can successfully apply lessons learnt from this life path to combat failure.

It is coming to the conclusion that what ever happens is what happens. This doesn’t mean you give up. Its means you try even harder because you know that only when you have truly given up and let go of the outcome will you truly succeed in that given activity. Let go, relax and deal with each instance individually as they come up.